It is the eve of my 36th year. t.h.i.r.t.y.s.i.x. I have been feeling, you know, "old" as I say the number out loud. Seriously? I saw Radiohead the very first time 22 years ago. It has been 18 years since I left high school. I started travelling 16 years ago. Time has somehow grabbed my feet from under me and skipped forward. I have lived every year but I feel like I have blinked and missed something. The beat has gotten fast and thumping. Every day rushing ahead until a week has passed, a month, a year. Another birthday. Another line. The grey hair. Old.
Until my sense of balance realised just how much time I have ahead of me. Not the years behind me. Those years are the building blocks. This point in life is so full of promise, see, I am going to dive in. To stretch and grow. To build an even better foundation of blocks and bridges. To work on the things I have talked about doing for so long.
I started yoga this week. I have dabbled in it on and off over the years. I love the premise but the reality of my uncoordinated sequencing in previous dance and movement classes and shaky knees led me away from practice. This time, I am going to stick with it. In that very first class, for the most part I was able to block out the feeling that someone else was watching me. That it was about anything but what I could do. What I am capable of.
Before the class, a few days back, I read a great article about things that are stopping us from being happy. One of the points the author made was that we are not the stars in the movie of life. Sure, we have a script, but so does every other being. So we can't expect anyone to play a different role than the one they have. I have been busy for so long thinking someone next to me in a class, on a street, everywhere, gives a crap what I am doing. Not in a self-absorbed way, but a life stopping way. Insecurities reign when you think others are watching you. But I am realising, they aren't. Chances are very high they are watching themselves. And if they are watching it's because they haven't looked closely at their own script.
Worrying about others has stopped me from doing a lot in my grown up years. In case they judge me, I say the wrong thing, I fail.
But then I lost my dad. His life cut short. I won't cut mine short. It's time to build myself. For me.
Yoga will continue. I am also starting a women's swim class. Learning to master the manual mode on my camera. Reading. Making. Living.
2014 has been a rough trot, but I am changing the forecast. It is time to shine in my role. Letting those around me shine in theirs.
It feels good this growing up thing. Wisdom does come with age and I feel like I may have recently gifted myself some of that big picture wisdom that I have been missing along the journey.
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