June 26, 2014
It was just over a fortnight ago that I lost my father. Cancer slowly deteriorated his body and mind until it was his time to leave. For me, the loss has been both healing and devastating in equal doses. Knowing he is no longer in pain but having to watch my girls grow up never having felt his love. It kills me.
I lived on the other side of the world from him for years. Having lost contact here and there for a few months at a time as I explored and spread my wings. As I dove into my ocean. Every time I would come up for air, he would be there. With a smile that glowed with pride, his eyes sparkling when I told him stories. That is the part that hurts the most, knowing I will never have anyone sparkle about me like he did. A dad is something pretty amazing for a girl. When they exist in your world you are safe. You are protected. It is quite a shift to lose that feeling.
About a week before we lost him, I was driving to work and realised I couldn't remember his voice, his face. I sobbed with the fact that I was losing him already. Then I stopped, took that breath I so tragically needed and shifted to the real stuff. His voice is not the memory I need, neither is how he looked. It is the sparkle on the inside. The feeling he gave. He was larger than life, he laughed and lived and not for a moment will he ever be forgotten.
This space has been quiet of late. Because I was busy saying goodbye. Being torn apart by that horrid cancer and the people it leaves in it's wake. And then putting back together the pieces. Being the person I know would have made those eyes sparkle. His girl.
To my dad. I will never forget you.