On losing my dad.

June 26, 2014

I wasn't going to write this post. To share this part of my life. But this means something to me. So here it is.

It was just over a fortnight ago that I lost my father. Cancer slowly deteriorated his body and mind until it was his time to leave. For me, the loss has been both healing and devastating in equal doses. Knowing he is no longer in pain but having to watch my girls grow up never having felt his love. It kills me.

I lived on the other side of the world from him for years. Having lost contact here and there for a few months at a time as I explored and spread my wings. As I dove into my ocean. Every time I would come up for air, he would be there. With a smile that glowed with pride, his eyes sparkling when I told him stories. That is the part that hurts the most, knowing I will never have anyone sparkle about me like he did. A dad is something pretty amazing for a girl. When they exist in your world you are safe. You are protected. It is quite a shift to lose that feeling.

About a week before we lost him, I was driving to work and realised I couldn't remember his voice, his face. I sobbed with the fact that I was losing him already. Then I stopped, took that breath I so tragically needed and shifted to the real stuff. His voice is not the memory I need, neither is how he looked. It is the sparkle on the inside. The feeling he gave. He was larger than life, he laughed and lived and not for a moment will he ever be forgotten.

This space has been quiet of late. Because I was busy saying goodbye. Being torn apart by that horrid cancer and the people it leaves in it's wake. And then putting back together the pieces. Being the person I know would have made those eyes sparkle. His girl.

To my dad. I will never forget you.
♡ ashley

7 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. But know this: you will always see his sparkle for you; it lives in you. I lost a dad (my step-dad since the age of 3) to cancer. It's been almost 9 years now (so hard to believe) and even though kids were little more than a thought at the time, it breaks my heart, that they never knew him. Truly, my heart reaches out to you. One day at a time.

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    1. one day at a time is the only way. my heart reaches out to you too Gretchen, something tells me the thickness of this kind of loss stays forever. xx

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss Ashley. Dads are special to daughters that's for sure. I lost my Dad to cancer also 5 years ago. I hope that you are doing as well as could be hoped for, and love that when you think of him you can remember that sparkle in his eye that he kept for you. Hugs to you xx

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    1. thank-you carla, your words mean a lot, especially coming from a place so close to mine. xx ashley

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  3. oh ashley, i am so sorry for your loss. no one can ever take away a feeling, or a sparkle. these things live on in the heart forever...hope you're doing okay. x

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  4. Oh Ashley I am so very sorry to hear of your great loss. The loss of a parent is so very hard to get through I hope you are being kind to yourself and you have supportive people surrounding you to listen and be there hug you when you need it. I lost my Dad just 5 short months ago and I still cry each day when I think of him. Take the time when all is quiet I know you will hear his voice and feel his hug. Hugs to you friend. xxx

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  5. Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss, it's such a deep ache losing a parent. It is a blessing knowing that 'sparkle' will be with you and in your heart forever. I lost my mama to the same disease and I still miss her every day and cry most days. It is a hard thing knowing that our kids won't grow up with their grandparents.... Wishing you strength and love xx

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